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directorcommentary | jasonbentley.org

Jason Bentley, Santa Clara, California: writing, photography, graphic design, music, audio, video, technology, life

January 4, 2007

Amateur Porn Is Timeless

Either that or my friend raverlion isn't telling me something.

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January 3, 2007

Does it live up to your ideal?

I had an interesting experience this New Years. I went up to Gary and Robey's in San Francisco, cuz I wanted to go somewhere. I'd felt pretty isolated since Christmas.

Yeah, I had a crappy Christmas. I'd made plans I looked forward to on Christmas Eve/Day , and they were pulled out from underneath at the last minute. By the time I joined the rest of the group late in the afternoon on Christmas day, I felt like an afterthought. When I realized that I'd spent way too much money I shouldn't have on gifts and didn't receive even a thoughtless trifle, I felt even less than that. I know yer not supposed to say shallow things like that, but goddammit, there it is. I put too much weight on the little things that feel important to me in relationships, I want to feel that the closest relationships aren't entirely transactional. Then I remember that close is relative, and given that, the free-spiritedness that I felt grateful to be a part of feels less welcoming as it reveals itself as a desperate fight against the ticking clock. Why don't I act with an unpredictable hedonistic selfishness befitting a permanent, socially-reinforced midlife crisis? Oh wait, I do. Then why does your arrested development look more fun than mine?

Christ, I sound bitter. No wonder I haven't been blogging.

New Years made up for it, and as always, it's the small moments that made the night feel good. At one point I was uploading video from my camera to my laptop, and turned on CNN Pipeline to see some fireworks. A party guest came up and asked what I was doing, and I told him that I was watching multiple streams of New Years celebrations around the world. Then I'd a sense of deja vu strong enough that I stopped talking. The guest looked at me, and I had to apologize. I explained to him that I suddenly realized that I was doing what the girl in the "future" segment of the Carousel of Progress was doing all those years that I went to Walt Disney World growing up...that is, surfing the NYE celebrations around the world. I said that it was a neat full-circle kinda thing, and the guy looked at me funny and went back to playing something on the Wii.

Trust me, in my head, the moment was very cool indeed.

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